Αγαπητέ/η φίλε/η,
Θα ήθελα να σου πω γιατί είναι τόσο δύσκολο να αγαπήσεις τον εαυτό σου. Είναι απλό. Σε ξέρεις καλύτερα από οποιονδήποτε άλλο. Μπορεί να μην συμφωνείς, όμως είναι αλήθεια. Περισσότερο από όσο φαντάζεσαι. Εξάλλου, μόνο εσύ μπορείς να συζητήσεις ειλικρινά με τον εαυτό σου, αν προσπαθήσεις. Όσο για τους άλλους μπορεί να μην σε συμπαθήσουν ποτέ, γιατί μπορεί να μην σε καταλάβουν και ποτέ. Αυτό όμως σου προκαλεί αμφιβολίες εσένα.
Ξέρω πολύ καλά πώς είναι να μισείς τον εαυτό σου. Να μην καταλαβαίνεις γιατί δεν είσαι ποτέ αρκετός ή τι κάνεις λάθος. Είμαι από τους ανθρώπους που έχουν υποστεί εκφοβισμό στα σχολικά τους χρόνια, πράγμα που μάλλον έπαιξε σημαντικό ρόλο στην κατάπτωση της αυτοπεποίθησής μου. Δεν κατηγορώ κανέναν, αλήθεια. Εξάλλου, δεν επρόκειτο τόσο για εκφοβισμό όσο για απλή απομόνωση. Τίποτα υπερβολικά σοβαρό. Η αλήθεια είναι πως συγχώρεσα αρκετές φορές τους βασανιστές μου. Όμως το έκανα για τους λάθος λόγους. Κυρίως επειδή φοβόμουν να μείνω μόνος. Δεν το άντεχα, με διέλυε. Για να μην μείνω μόνος άσκησα κι εγώ εκφοβισμό. Πόσο το μετάνιωσα. Τουλάχιστον κατάφερα να ζητήσω συγνώμη έστω και από ένα άτομο. Μπορεί να μην πέρασα ό,τι εσύ, αλλά μπορώ να υποθέσω πώς αισθάνεσαι.
Φτάνει μια στιγμή που αναπόφευκτα αναρωτιέσαι αν θα ενδιαφερόταν κανείς αν εξαφανιζόσουν. Η απάντηση σε αυτό είναι πως, ναι. Θα ενδιαφέρονταν για λίγο. Η ζωή όμως προχωράει ανεξάρτητα από το αν εσύ είσαι εκεί ή αν είσαι απλώς μια ανάμνηση. Η ζωή δεν έχει επιλογή, το ίδιο και οι άνθρωποι. Ίσως το μεγαλύτερο κενό να το αισθανθεί η οικογένειά σου. Όχι, είναι σίγουρο. Για την οικογένειά σου το κενό θα μείνει για πάντα το ίδιο.
Δεν θα σου πω να μην κάνεις τέτοιες σκέψεις, γιατί καταλαβαίνω πολύ καλά πώς αισθάνεσαι. Κανείς δεν μπορεί να πει οτιδήποτε για να σε κάνει να σταματήσεις να σκέφτεσαι έτσι. Πραγματικά μισείς τον εαυτό σου, γιατί τον ξέρεις καλά. Ξέρεις κυρίως ποια είναι τα λάθη και οι κακές σου σκέψεις, οι ζήλιες, τα μίση, όλα όσα φτιάχνουν το δεύτερο μισό του μισού εαυτού σου. Ξέρω κι εγώ για εμένα.
Καμιά φορά κάνω κάτι απαίσιο. Περνάω τον δρόμο χωρίς να έχω κοιτάξει πρώτα δεξιά ή αριστερά. Σκέφτομαι «ό,τι είναι να γίνει ας γίνει». Η αλήθεια είναι ότι το μετανιώνω αμέσως μετά το δεύτερο βήμα. Συνειδητοποιώ πόσο λάθος είναι και πόσο μεγάλη σπατάλη. Είμαι επίσης δειλός και αγαπώ τη ζωή μου. Στο δεύτερο βήμα θυμάμαι όσα έχω και όσα αξίζουν για να μείνω.
Μάλλον θα έχεις εκνευριστεί μαζί μου τώρα που σου αποκάλυψα το μικρό μου μυστικό. Υπάρχουν άνθρωποι που παλεύουν για τη ζωή τους με νύχια και με δόντια. Πραγματικά εμείς οι υπόλοιποι θα έπρεπε να ντρεπόμαστε για τα ανόητα προβλήματά μας. Δεν συμφωνώ απόλυτα με αυτό, καθώς πιστεύω ότι τα προβλήματα του κάθε ανθρώπου είναι πολύ σημαντικά για τον ίδιο, όμως μπορώ να πω ότι ζηλεύω αυτούς τους απίστευτα δυνατούς ανθρώπους. Γεννήθηκαν παντοδύναμοι σε αδύναμα και ημιτελή σώματα, ενώ εμείς σε τέλεια σώματα γεννηθήκαμε αδύναμοι. Τι να κάνουμε όμως; Έτσι είμαστε εμείς.
Ένα πράγμα θέλω να σου πω φίλε/η μου. Είσαι σημαντικός για εμένα. Και για πολλούς άλλους που ίσως δεν τους βλέπεις. Δεν τους βλέπεις ακόμη. Σ’ αγαπώ. Αν σε γνώριζα θα προσπαθούσα να σε καταλάβω. Χωρίς ανταποδόσεις, απεριόριστα σ’ αγαπώ. Όμως ξέρεις ποιο είναι το μεγαλύτερο μυστικό από όλα; Πρέπει κι εσύ να καταλάβεις πως αγαπάς τον εαυτό σου. Απλώς δεν το ξέρεις ακόμη. Πρέπει να υπάρχει κάτι μικρό σε εσένα που ξέρεις ότι αξίζει. Μπορεί να είναι κάτι ελάχιστο, όπως το λακάκι στο μάγουλό σου που τονίζεται όταν χαμογελάς. Αν είναι έτσι να χαμογελάς πιο συχνά για να το βλέπεις. Για να το βλέπουν και εκείνοι που σε αγαπούν, αλλά δεν τους παρατηρείς. Δώσε τους την ευκαιρία να σε παρατηρήσουν εκείνοι. Θα δεις πως θα σε πλησιάσουν. Η λάμψη σου θα τους τραβήξει. Και τελικά φίλε/η μου, πρέπει να μάθουμε μαζί να αγαπάμε τους εαυτούς μας χώρια.
Ο φίλος σου,
Jericho
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